Dark Fruit: An Introduction To My Mind

The following is an entry taken from my brain. All thoughts expressed are real and uncensored.

***

Let me not restrain myself. I will speak freely and will not censor myself.

My mind, let me inform those who listen, has never been completely settled and tranquil ever; my life and personality in combination would lend themselves more to complex comprehension and pondering, and they have in practice. I don’t suppose I have had the privilege of focusing on superficial and minor things that altogether amount to nothing more than the wind that blows in the sky. No, my mind never lent itself to such a processing system of the tangible world.

My mind would rather focus on the recurring patterns, unexplainable experiences, and other humans’ processes that make sense of the world in which we reside. On one hand, I suppose that might make me appear as sophisticated and philosophical and I understand how it can come off as such; however, I feel that these processes my mind focuses on are, in themselves, not bad, yet the fact that I cannot control my impulse to focus solely on these things can be a burden.

For all the minds in the world that love to chat and converse about such deep topics, I find myself alone and often I have thought about searching for communities in which I can become a citizen of; then I remembered that I have often been an omega, lonely and self-fulfilling.

Communities are a beautiful thing; congregation is a beautiful thing; however to feel accepted and valued is often, nowadays, too hard to find or simply too doubtful in sincerity. So, in my small-effort manners, I no longer actively search, with charisma or without it, for a community to belong to. I still wait for the day in which I may eat my bitter words with a smile.

Alas, I find myself going off on a tangent. My mind is rather brilliant in doing so. Where was I going? What was I talking about? Ah, my mind. Yes, my mind is, as one may guess, not a pleasant place I suppose. Beautiful? Perhaps. Captivating? I concur. Pleasant? I disagree. But I must accept that how I understand and comprehend my own mind is but an expression of how I understand myself.

I believe my mind has a will of its own. It thinks and behaves as it sees fit without much consideration for how I feel or for what I wish. I am a slave to its power; a slave to my own power which I have not yet learned to control. Perhaps that makes me animal-like. Perhaps not. Maybe I have succumbed to its power rather than learned to fight it. Whatever the truth might be, it is sure to be mellow dramatic at best. For in truth, there is nothing exciting or revolutionary about a man’s plight; it is a recurrence in nature that is inescapable. There is nothing unique about my own person, other than my exact biological makeup and even that has a chance of being replicated given enough time.

I am in a constant battle with my mind. I cannot classify myself as ill or incapable, for I am capable and not ill. I will identify as disturbed, wholesomely. I am forever disturbed, plagued, cursed and belittled by a presence, an energy that is permanently linked to my psyche. Call me what you will; this is what I am. I can pronounce these truths as the truth because they are.

I do beseech you, whoever you are, to not be alarmed and flee. If you should flee, I understand. If you should stay, I must be grateful, and I am. Any sane person would be hesitant to be informed of such an existence in the world. Anyone with a deadly curiosity would only stay put. It takes courage to approach a public and possible danger.

I found myself lost once again. I have deviated so far from the purpose of this, whatever-it-is, that I can no longer recall it. But, I do believe that you might have a sense of how my mind works. For my own understanding, I would like to navigate this labyrinth in my head and see if the end is as menacing as I think it to be, or if there is an escape. I will allow myself to get lost to certain extents and the rest will follow.


While my mind is its own entity, that does not mean we cannot discuss its existence openly. Leave all of your comments below.

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7 thoughts on “Dark Fruit: An Introduction To My Mind

  1. My mind, Carlos, understands your mind. My mind too feels detached and foreign from who I am as a person. I too “am forever disturbed, plagued, cursed and belittled by a presence, an energy that is permanently linked to my psyche.” But fortunately those are things that only cross my path and does not spill over to how I impact those around me.

    On a previous post you described love and I understood it. I understood you. I think we are two souls walking similar paths and I wish you a wonderful, long journey filled with love and small bubbles of community (because let’s face it when we are in a large community we really are not in community with one another at all).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. You get it Memee. If we are indeed walking very similar paths, then I wish you a wonderful journey too. We must keep ourselves constantly reminded of the positives to avoid slipping into eternal madness. Life… I believe we can make it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You know I enjoy your writing style. And my mind can relate to yours. I drove my daughter to and from a business trip the past two days. We were able to talk (or converse) freely-a rare opportunity since she has a toddler that I adore. So for a total of 8 hours in the car and two 1 1/2 hour lunches….she had to endure my babbling from thought to random thought. At least I asked her a few questions so she did get to share interesting things with me.
    I wish I had read this first so we could have conversed more….I need to learn to be quiet and appreciate that “silence is golden.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Debbie! I am happy for you that you got to talk with your daughter for that long. Sure you did most of it but it’s the opportunity that counts. And since you recognize that you might take over a conversation, just start practicing being silent when appropriate.

      Liked by 1 person

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