It’s roughly 4:30 AM and I’m lying here in my bed. I got to thinking as I often do when I stay up this late; I got to thinking about friends. More specifically, I thought about the problems I might cause them by being their friend but even more specific, myself. I am well aware it’s not a crime to be myself in the world and I am also aware that true friends will accept me for exactly who I am.
While I understand this, I still ponder on the idea that I am somewhat a nuisance to them. For as much as we like our friends, they all have at least one quality we wish they didn’t. For me, I examine myself and I believe that my nature is far too intrusive, so much that it becomes problematic for my friends.
It’s in my nature to delve deep into things. I am not a person who can simply look at the exterior and be fully content; I must know what the inside looks like. I cannot be truly satisfied with how the machine works without looking at the components that all work in unison behind the covering. I am capable of being content with a basic understanding of something or someone but if I can know more than the basics, I will pursue them.
However, my nature goes past even the want to understand things deeply; it is also in my nature to mend things. I have a subconscious goal to try and make things better than when I found them, specifically when it comes to people. Yes, I try to fix objects that seem out of place or order because order is important in reasonable moderation; but I feel at one with myself when I do so with people.
People are not just objects to be put back in place. People are complicated. People require time and delicate attention as well as a careful hand to mend them. I seem to have the hand and I love using it. Even for strangers, I like to mend them. I mean, as long as I don’t feel uncomfortable around them, if I detect something is amiss, I will want to mend it.
What’s more interesting is that it is in my nature to maintain the things that I mend. If it means that I must do something I don’t normally do, I will if it will maintain the status of what I have mended. That also means that I don’t give up on things that I have worked on. I persevere, making sure that my work has not faltered. It requires a sacrifice of my own being but it is a habit that I cannot break and that I don’t want to break.
For all that it’s worth, I believe I am a good person with good intentions. But they also say that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Perhaps I am currently walking that road and don’t even know it; perhaps not. Either way, I have simply come to notice that my behavior as an individual must be annoying to some extent. For my friends, it must be a nuisance in some way. My intrusiveness, and perseverance must annoy them from time to time, especially when I begin to inquire about things.
I do so to understand them more than I already do. Now, while I have not actually received a definite sign that I am being far too intrusive, I feel that they must have already felt this way without actually showing me. They simply don’t want to hurt my feelings. I don’t want to hurt theirs but my nature simply encourages me to delve deeper than I already am.
It’s never enough to just know that my friends are good people or that they have certain interests. No, I require knowing more. I require becoming familiar with the things they have encrypted into their very souls. I require knowing their darkness. Yes, I believe I sound like the friend that just asks too many questions and just gets all in the personal space and whatnot but that is who I am. I cannot help it but what I can do is use that nature of mine to have a positive effect on my friends.
I have a history of purifying the darkness that my friends carry. However, in order to purify that darkness, I had to become aware that it even existed in the first place. To do that I had to question and dive. I had to persevere and I had to mend. And the cherry on top, I had to maintain. It is quite important for me to know that my friends are doing well. No one wants to feel bad but I especially don’t want those I care for to feel bad. That means I work hard to make sure they stay as happy as possible. It’s tiring work but rewarding. I cannot express the joy and happy-heartbreak of knowing that I am responsible for my friends overcoming an obstacle that they’ve struggled with for a long time.
However, a midst all of this joy, is that lurking possibility that will be my downfall: I will push away those I care about by trying to get to close to them. I do hope that never happens but it remains an inevitable possibility so long as I continue to be who I am. I have come to terms with this. My only hope, is that I never push my friends away. As sad as it might seem, my friends are a huge portion of my life. I care for them more than I do myself. I think about them more than I do my family (sometimes.) And I have subjected myself to their mental torture on more than one occasion. This is the drawback of being a caregiver, and a counselor. It’s the downfall of being the therapeutic friend.
At the current moment, these are my thoughts on the subject. And while they are my thoughts, I encourage you to leave your comments below. Let’s talk about this role in personal circles.