Sexuality, Acceptance and The Middle

What’s something that’s interesting in life? How about self-acceptance? If we think about it, it’s much easier to accept the way things are with other people and our environment than it is with ourselves. I am not referring to those that acknowledge certain aspects of themselves that everyone else can pick up on easily; no, I’m referring to the deep, convoluted (and possible dark) part of ourselves that we have a natural tendency to flee from.

With all the things in the world, it’s so much easier to focus on other things rather than dealing with our demons. With all the happenings in life, it is so much easier to pretend they don’t exist. With all of the existence of humanity, it is so much easier to ignore that we have these dark “flaws” entwined into our souls. But guess what? These things do exist and they need to be focused on and they should not be ignored.

I myself struggle with this topic. There are many parts of myself that I have acknowledged to myself to be true. I have accepted the what-have-yous to be my reality but there still reside some parts that I don’t want to recognize. Now I am in a special position because I recognize these “flaws” and I know that they are true for I cannot deny them; however, I still do not have courage to face them. It is one thing to see the leap ahead of you, and another to actually leap forward. For me, I am trying to leap but every time I’m about to jump, my feet stop and my heart quivers.

There is one particular “flaw” that I am referring to and I’ll go ahead and blatantly say it now: I am struggling to face the “flaw” of sexuality. Now, I know this is not a new story in human history or a particularly ear-perking one but it is my story. So I’m going to tell it.

For years I have been struggling with accepting myself for where I lie on the sexuality spectrum. Upfront, if anyone asked me I’d just say that I’m “straight.” It’s much easier to deal with social contexts if you fit in with the crowd. Still, some might say that my mannerisms tell another story but that’s also my personality. I have been a little flamboyant for my entire life so it never seemed unnatural if I acted as if nothing was wrong. To be honest, nothing is wrong. Anyone who questioned my gender identity has always had the right to inquire.

It wasn’t until middle school that I began to become unsure of where I was on the sexuality spectrum. So I pretended that everything was alright. Well, everything was not alright. I mean, it wasn’t horrible or bad by any means but it wasn’t the best either. I was so confused about where I lied, what my place was, and my social status. I just floated along aimlessly avoiding the “flaw” and it was only recently that I decided to confront this “flaw” of mine. However, I’d like to make this a bit easier to understand so let’s backtrack to primitive history. I’ll start from my days of childhood and move slowly to adulthood.

Starting with childhood, I had always been a kid who fit the normal bill: liked girls, and wanted to be around them but didn’t know how to act around them (and avoided their cooties.) For years this was the case although, there was this very tiny, almost negligible part of me that eyed boys. However, my attraction to girls was so far superior that I barely even noticed it. It wasn’t worth bringing up.

Once I got into middle school, things began to change. Roughly around 7th grade, I began to take real first notice that I was being attracted to boys. My initials thoughts were, “What are you doing?? Look at the girls! You’re not supposed to look at guys…” But my curiosity never quelled. I made it unclear that I was even thinking about boys. “Nobody must ever know” is what I always told myself. And I suppose that the mental self-beating worked. I eventually stopped paying attention to boys out of habit. However, I always hated gym class since it was all boys and I was forced to take notice of them.

I always attributed my uncertainty about my attraction to other genders/sexes, to my bad habit of indecisiveness. As a child, I could never really make up my mind about anything and many times others would simply choose for me; this resulted in me quickly choosing instinctively what I wanted and correcting their choices on my behalf. That’s not what I wanted but that’s how I lived for quite some time. Same goes for my attraction. Mom and Dad always said that “boys are for girls and girls are for boys” or (if you want to be religious) “God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve.” That’s what I followed because that’s what I was supposed to believe.

I think once I hit age 13, I really began to try and decide things for myself. I even broke away from religious thought for a while to come to understand what it is that I believed and not what others should have me believe. This allowed me to think about my “flaws” in their specific contexts and not in the context of other restrictions and criteria. So I got to thinking. I thought a lot. And eventually I got so tired of being caught up in the middle that I just gave up. I just stopped thinking and only started to feel. I listened to what I felt.

It was about this time that I entered high school as well. Now in high school, many metamorphoses and realizations come to pass. For me, I was pretty assured with others things in my life: who my friends are, how my personality was, where I wanted to go in life, etc. Still one question remained: who was I attracted to, guys or girls? The feelings of being attracted to guys only got stronger as I got older and eventually, after years, I just couldn’t deny it to myself any longer. I liked guys.

This brings us to the present time, where I am a young adult who fully recognizes that he is attracted to other men and women. Yes, I like both sides. Maybe one more than the other but I do like both. I cannot deny this to myself as I would be lying. To keep it simple, I sit near the middle of the sexual spectrum, being attracted to both sexes but leaning towards the side of men. Some would call that, for simple terms, bisexual.

That is my “flaw” but it’s not really a flaw, it’s just who I am. I recognize this and no one can tell me otherwise. I even tried to convince myself that I was delusional but even children can see through lies; why couldn’t a grown man? It’s one part of myself that I still must fully accept.

As I said, it is not nearly enough to see the leap ahead as it is to actually leap forward. Well, this acts as my first leap forward. Sure, it’s possible that it may be slightly cowardice to admit something that I’ve never admitted before online where my identity can remain anonymous if I so chose, and where others cannot connect with me like those who know me in person. I can admit that. But it’s my first step.

There are two parts of self-acceptance: accepting and admitting. Anyone can accept that they might be a certain way but it’s even harder to admit, not just to other people, but to yourself that you are the way that you are and that that is perfectly acceptable. Well, I think I just completed that other part of it. I finally, publicly, admitted that I am bisexual and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Now where does this leave me? Only back where I originally started in life, the middle. I’ve always walked the middle line in life. If I don’t have to pick sides, I won’t. If I can be the middleman, I will. I suppose that my sexual nature is no exception to the pattern of my life. But you know what? I enjoy being in the middle, because there’s a lot more freedom in the middle than there is on either side of the fence.

Well, that’s what that turned into it. That kind of went somewhat wayward but I’ll just go along with it. I think I’ve said all I wanted to say. It’s already hard enough to post this but I’m doing it anyway. I guess the next steps would be to tell the people I know. That, however, is another battle for another day.

Many topics were discussed but I am willing to talk about any of them. What were your thoughts? Do you yourself float in the middle like I do? Leave all of your comments below. You already know that even when it gets personal, I am all ears and without judgment.


18 thoughts on “Sexuality, Acceptance and The Middle

  1. You are not flawed. And remember–Hipster Jesus doesn’t give a shit who you are attracted to. Neither do I. Labels suck. You love who you love. You like who you like. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. And that’s it! You have my love and admiration!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am proud of you Carlos for sharing this. I do not know how I only came across it tonight. I wish I could have read it when it was published and responded right away so that you would know that “coming out” if we want to call it that, was okay.

    I agree with what Roguecatt and Cosmic said, and they said it beautifully. I am sad that we live in a world where people are so confused and frightened and angry that we must hate those that are not the same as we are. I hate that we live in a world where we have to place labels upon each other or that we think we must define ourselves as straight, gay, or bisexual. We are human. We are sexual creatures and sexual attraction is a normal thing. God made all of us to be His perfect children. Yes, we are flawed, each and every one of us. But it is those flaws that make each of us unique and special and beautiful. You are beautiful. Who you are, your personality, your sexuality, your gifts and talents, they are a gift that make you, you.

    And I am glad you are everything you are because you enrich my life.

    Also, I would like to say that you are so young, 20 years old. Life at 40 doesn’t look like life at 20. As we get older we find we have to let go of some of our inner monologues, the ones that hold us back and degrade us, because life is hard enough without our imaginings and rouge brains trying to wreak havoc on us! You’ve got a long way to go and I think you are way ahead of the curve for maturity. You’re doing great!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks memee :’) Yes, it is a shame that the world is this way. But we can change it. It is responding to the change we are making. I am not ashamed of a part of myself because it is who I am. And thank God for it too! 🙂

      Thank you for the kind words. I am grateful to your opinion and I treasure it. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for enriching my life. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I love that you wrote this down. I wish I could have read it earlier and shared my thoughts on the day you decided to publish it. Anyway, now will have to suffice.

    You are amazing for having written this down, and that too so honestly, with glimpses of your childhood and teenage years. After the confusion and struggle of finding yourself, I’m so glad that you recognize that your sexuality is not a flaw. It really isn’t. You’re right: it’s just who you are and that’s perfectly okay.

    I walk in the middle too 🙂 I think I knew at some level after high school and through college, but I only realized it consciously and embraced it during my year at uni. For me, though, it somehow wasn’t very hard to accept. I just realized that I was attracted towards both men and women, and I went, “Wow, that’s pretty awesome!” 😀 A few years ago, I might have struggled as well, but I think I’ve matured and become quite comfortable with my sexuality in the past 2-3 years. I did think about it, but it didn’t bother me. I even told 5-6 of my closest friends, and they were pretty awesome about it, and one even opened up to me about her own walk in the middle. My best friend went something similar to, “Meh, so?” I like that my opening up about my sexuality didn’t change any aspect of our friendship. I don’t know how my parents would react to it (I come from a Christian family as well, but I’m not religious at all. My parents aren’t very religious and are quite open-minded, but stuff like this still flummoxes and, at times, confuses them), but I sort of think, it’s not very important to me that they even have to know. Not because I want to hide it or am ashamed of it, because I’m not at all, but simply because my sexuality is very personal and just one part of who I am. If someday I feel like telling them, I will. Just because I’m attracted to girls as well as guys, doesn’t mean I’m going to shock them by landing up on their door with a girlfriend in tow. I’ll give them a head’s up if that ever happens 😀

    I hope that if you want to tell your close ones someday, they’ll be just as cool and welcoming, and it won’t effect their relationship with you in anyway other than bringing you closer.

    And you, you are brave and awesome. I’m glad you enjoy walking in the middle and recognize that “there is a lot more freedom in the middle than there is on either side of the fence.” Yes, humans, both men and women, are beautiful creatures, so why not like and appreciate all kinds of beauty, huh?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh your comment just hit me in all the right places! 🙂 I’ve gon ahead and told my closest friends but I’m not in a rush to tell my parents, particularly my mother. But one day I will, and until then I’ll continue to walk the middle like I’ve always done. It’s nice to know I have someone else walking this road with me (at least in spirit!)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I read your post right after you posted it – I wanted to “like” and comment, but wordpress keeps blocking and asking me for passwords and keeps changing them (hard thing for me, cause I am traveling and need to switch phone cards ).
    The reason I am telling you this is because I think I can imagine how intense a moment must have been for you to press that “publish” button.
    We all have our issues and, as you say, some of us choose to live in denial of them; the very fact of choosing to address our issues head-on is a huge step forward.
    I can relate to your “ordeal”, as I have been fighting myself for years, unable to accept who I am; we all do this, mostly for fear of not being accepted.

    The ridiculous thing is that, with each one of us, the reason can be different, but the experience is the same. It doesn’t need to be about sexuality, it can be about anything: it’s all about being different. You can go through the same tribulations as soon as you are a black sheep among the whites, or a white sheep among the blacks – it doesn’t matter. In my case, I was changing into a “spiritual” person while I was already having troubles being accepted in a different religion than my original one. Some twenty years ago in some communities spirituality could have been seen as another form of polytheism or some type of erring – for lack of culture, people can be irrational.

    I bet than in some ten years from now on (it can happen sooner) yours won’t be an issue any longer – people would just have to accept the evidence that we are not this or another way by choice – it is by “make”.

    Meanwhile, I can tell you that it’s not worth doubting yourself or regretting anything (and I think you don’t). Love Yourself – not in a selfish, but in a respectful way.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Cosmic. That is quite heartwarming. Yes, I did struggle for a moment to press that publish button but I thought to myself that when I am on my blog, I can truly just be who I am. There’s no need to hide that from anyone because I made it “a safe haven for my thoughts.”

      In the broader scope of the topic, yes, sexuality is just one facet of acceptance. But the general idea of acceptance is a big one that simply has to do with being different as you said.

      I think in a few years it will be a simple thing and we’ll look back at it asking why it was ever an issue. I am not the most courageous person on my own behalf but, I didn’t want to do what I saw other people do and wait for years to address something like this. Love has always been a shifty topic for me because I was always conflicted and therefore couldn’t open myself up to love anyone fully. But I know that now and I’m happier with myself for realizing it and admitting it and sticking by it. 🙂

      Sorry, I got to rambling. Again, thank you Cosmic. The comment is sincerely appreciated. Thank you.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I am definitely a fence walker. I’ve connected with my demons far deeper than just a generalization. I’ve gotten as far as specifics. I used to be the good christian girl saving herself for marriage not letting herself even consider sex outside context of a relationship. So you can imagine how I didn’t relate to, like, any popular conversation ever. Turns out I’m a submissive and am only attracted to dominant males. However, if under the direction of that male, I am told to be with another male or female I can thoroughly enjoy as long as I know it is pleasing him. Outside that everyone else becomes genderless to me. I can think “that person’s really hot” but there’s no actual sexual thoughts/feelings that occur. Only for my one dominant and those he wants me to be with. I am not in that dynamic right now, but I used to be. I haven’t even come out about it to my current partner because I know it will discuss him. Some things are better kept secret. The world doesn’t always respect truth. Besides, remaining with an air of mystery keeps you interesting as opposed to scrutinized.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. While it is true that mystery gives spice to life, it’s important to accept those parts of yourself and it seems you have. I would say that you’re extremely open-minded when it comes to sexual experiences. Being submissive during sexual relations with your partner and simply doing what he asks of you (or commands) is different, I think, from genuinely liking and seeking both sexes.

      I think it’s interest since you and I have had similar mindset with respect to Christian backgrounds. But, I have my own thoughts about God and how to process all that stuff. And I wholly refrain from judging others as much as possible because understanding and acceptance is important in life. Plus, I don’t think that if you reveal parts of yourself that you’re entirely prone to scrutiny but you definitely have higher odds of it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Totally get ya. It just really sucks when someone important to you is in self-denial and turns it into harsh and condescending judgment of people around them. When I look back to my twenties, I realized it was happening a lot more than I thought, only I was seeing everything through rose coloured glasses.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. For a long time I didn’t know what bi was so I though it was gay but that’s not the case. I would say I’m God-fearing too but I think love will (I pray) outweigh the judgment in the end. For now, all I can do is live.


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