I Love And Hate You: The Burden of Money

Hey there Wonderful Listeners.

I’d like to take a moment and discuss money. Yes, the both wonderful and horrible thing that determines the economic and financial value of things. Recently, I have been disturbed by the surplus of funds I am receiving because of my summer job at the moment. Why? Well, I am experiencing anxiety from receiving money. I suppose this could stem from many things but to understand why I feel this way, you’ll need to know a few things.

  1. I am a frugal person.
    1. I really try to save money where I can and I cut back on things whenever possible; I have been this way since childhood. I specifically remember going to the grocery store with my mother and she’d often offer to buy me some candy or a snack. I almost always responded against it saying, “You need the money so don’t waste it on me. I don’t have to get a snack this” Of course, the time when I would accept the offer was few and far between. She was always touched by the fact that I consciously thought about saving her money when I could and this cost me many chances at wonderful recreations; but I was always thinking about her.
    2. Even though I was a child, I could grasp the concept that money was a scarce thing (at the time) and that my mother needed it for real issues. I was even secretly stern with my sisters for being so “inconsiderate” with the money my mom used. I would always be the one to ask them if they really needed/wanted whatever and I would always tell them to stop asking for things. Now as an adult, I am still frugal with things. Some people have called me cheap but I’m not really cheap. I simply just don’t spend money unnecessarily.
  2. I have a habit of giving versus receiving.
    1. I would much rather help someone (even at some personal expense) than to be helped. This is not because I don’t like to be helped but because I just want to give. I don’t expect to be given anything because I am aware that life is different for everyone. Not everyone can just give you something on a whim or out of sheer kindness (even if they want to.) In my life thus far, I believe I have given more than I have received. I have graciously helped my friends (with even the most absurd things), volunteered my time for the community, and picked up the slack for others with a smile. I suppose it’s in my nature and I have been cultivating this habit even as a child.
  3. I manage money well.
    1. I always make sure my necessities are met and I plan for future surprises. I plan so far ahead it might be considered paranoia. But alas, even though I spend time saving money, somehow, the world around me just sucks it out of my bank account. Whether through necessities or recreation (mostly necessity), money just never seems to last long with me. I don’t go out and spend money on myself much at all. If I do, it’s occasionally. However, things in life are expensive and the price is what the price is. That is a simple reality that everyone must face.
  4. I secretly want to buy everything!
    1. Yes, while I have the habit of not spending money on myself, I would adore a moment in life to spend a large amount on myself. I never have done this. I suppose all those years of cutting back, refusing offers and rejecting my secret urges are catching up with me.

Thinking about it, I suppose I am feeling anxious because I have money and it is money that I can spend freely. Currently I am not bound by school expenses (but I will be soon) so technically, I can spend the money as I so choose.

Normally, money is weighed against a number so it doesn’t seem large to me. Even though I am free to spend money, I am scared to. I heavily consider the price of things and I can quickly determine if the item is worth the buy. Plus, it doesn’t help that the number only keeps growing as I work and it never goes down because I don’t spend. As the number gets bigger, I feel more responsibility towards that money that I make. It’s strange really. When my number is low, I actually have more responsibility but I feel more at ease because I am not managing such a large number.

To be honest, what brought this anxiety upon me was a planned trip with my best friend. We were supposed to go shopping together at the mall. It turns out we had to cancel. One part of me was happy because I didn’t have to spend money but a large portion of me was saddened by the fact we couldn’t hang out together. I would have really liked to have gone shopping for myself for once and to spend money on items I actually wanted; but that’s not how the story goes.

Being frank, the amount of money I have is not great. I am well aware of people who have salaries that provide actual monetary gains. Still, it seems great when you’re not using it and it keeps piling up and you want to spend it but you’re resisting the urge to splurge on something. I really can’t shake the feeling but I really want to.

Side note: the job I work at allows for tips. I also have particular feelings towards tip money. While I am aware that it gets taxed (in some way), I have noticed that I have become extremely eager to collect tips. Before when I worked at other jobs that didn’t allow for tips, I would have never worried about it. At the job I’m working now, I have realized that tips have made me somewhat greedy. I can admit that I have thought sometimes that certain customers were obligated to give me a tip for being as courteous as I was to them. Yet, I also know that tips are an act of charity; people are not obligated to tip you anything. So, I am grateful when I do receive a tip.

All in all, I suppose what I am missing is balance. I should learn how to both treat myself while keeping my good money habits. Still, habits are hard to break but I know I could if I wanted to. I think I need to drop the new urge to lust for tips (especially when I am lucky to even have a job.) I think I should make more time to treat myself so it’s both deserving and appreciated; at the same time, I must not give up being frugal or my good monetary management skills. It’s not easy dealing with your problems but addressing that they exist is a good start.

Now I suppose the next thing for me to do is to go shopping! The question now is: What will I buy?


Does anyone else get like this with money? Am I being too cautious? What are good money habits and am I heading in a good direction? Leave all your comments below. Go ahead and interject those thoughts! You know I’m not judging…

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8 thoughts on “I Love And Hate You: The Burden of Money

  1. Here is a question for you from one frugal person to the other: do you wash and reuse your ziploc bags too? When I was waitressing, my tip money was mad money that I would spend frivolously. I was younger then. Now, most of the more expensive things I own, my husband has bought for me (like my camera). Anything else I buy is generally used (like clothing, shoes etc). However, I did splurge on a beautiful garden gnome – a lovely lady with her legs crossed and a book in her lap. She is ethereal and gives me a calming affect everytime I look at her. I walked by the store window where she was displayed, every weekday for a whole month before my purchase. The question is: is there anything that is speaking to you?

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      1. So perhaps it is wiser to save your pennies for something you desire than spending for the sake of spending? You may alleviate the burden of your anxiety and prevent any guilt from forming when you do buy something. Have I read you correctly in my assumptions?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can sorta relate. I’ve never had a real high paying job, but things that do pay more than just minimum wage. I’m so back and forth and up and down with finances. I had a savings that was to take a trip to backpack Australia with my sister, but she didn’t save up and got pregnant, so with that savings I bought a secondhand car. Which put me back to near nothing. I’m always moving around, so I never stay in one spot long enough to collect really nice things, I end up loosing them or having to leave them behind. I’m hoping the day I start to settle is just around the corner. I love buying things that make me feel wonderful whenever I see them. Like figures of my favorite cartoon characters, or brightly coloured kitchen things. Best of luck with your shopping. Enjoy it! It’s a wonderful feeling 🙂 Just don’t get addicted to it, 😛

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  3. A great post! Thanks for your honesty. I love reading about reality! There’s much I want to say but need to use my computer not phone. Hopefully later today or tonight. In the meantime, there’s someone I’d like to introduce you to, Dave Ramsey as he helped us a lot-or rather his philosophy on money. But you might connect better with his daughter, Rachel Cruze: http://www.rachelcruze.com/about
    Dave runs “Financial Peace University.” My nephew took the course and it helped him when he voiced much of what you’ve said!
    I love it that you’ve reached out and are looking for wisdom!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Debbie 🙂 I actually know who Dave is! He’s a wonderful man but I have yet to really delve into his courses or suggestions. I didn’t know much about his daughter though. I’ll be sure to check her out. Thanks again. And go ahead and comment some more later when you have the chance.

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