Hey Wonderful Listeners.
Right now I’m currently supposed to be studying but I need to get some thoughts out of my head so I can focus. Y’know, lately I’ve been really distracted. It’s been especially hard for me to get any real work done and I’m not quite sure why. I will admit that I have been indulging in recreation a bit too much but when I need to get things done I can cut back easily. Still, overall, my drive is not there anymore.
When I first started college, I had drive. I mean, I not only got things done, but I also had passion. Now, in my third year, I’ve all but lost it really. There’s no real passion in my heart anymore. I guess you could say that the fire has died (or at least down to the embers.) I find this really disheartening because I am an artist. I focus on art for the most part so I need to dedicate myself too it yet I’m finding it damn near impossible to focus.
I can’t focus because I have no drive; I have no drive because I have no passion; I have no passion because, well, that one I don’t know. Where did my passion go? I am unsure. Maybe it died peacefully while sleeping a night away, unaware that dawn wouldn’t come. I must find it again. My lack of passion is even showing in my work.
For example, I am taking a darkroom photography class this semester, and you can read a small story about it here. I’ve noticed that my work that I’ve been turning in is not really all that great to me. I am more captivated by the technical process of darkroom techniques. They are wonderful; learning to dodge and burn, picking between different contrast filters for different effects, washing prints, developing film and the like; it’s all so exciting to me.
However, going out and shooting photos, that part is not so exciting to me anymore. Why? What made that seem so dull? I have no idea. I will say that I’m not really interested in things and places; I’m not interested in my surroundings. Going to school here for three years has really made my college town plain, dull, and mundane. Sometimes, in my travels, I do find places that peak interest but most of the time, it’s the same old same old.
Maybe I could always change my surroundings but how can I really do that when I can only travel by foot? One man can only walk so far in such short time periods. How do I go about fixing this issue? I’m not sure.
Still, even among all these depressing realizations, I find some joy. Literally about an hour ago, I got to talk with one of my roommates who I hadn’t seen in, what felt like, months. Truth be told, it was only about two weeks but still, it felt like a long time. I mean, he’s not only my roommate but he’s also one of my closest friends. I didn’t realize how much I really missed having him around until I got to talk with him for a mere five minutes. I was glad to find out that he’s doing really well, even better than when I last spoke with him. I was genuinely happy for him because we both knew he deserved it.
That made me happy. That small moment, made me realize what I had been missing. It makes we want to cry. I haven’t cried in quite a while actually. Last time I did, I was crying because it just felt good; listening to heart-wrenching Disney songs (the ones about mothers loving or longing for their children) just brought me to tears. Thankfully too.
Ah, but now I must returning to studying, something I really don’t want to do. I’d rather be, I don’t know, doing anything but studying but here I am. I suppose I should actually do that then. I’ll stop writing now.
I know this was all over the place but I’m not editing this post at all. It’s all raw feelings so feel free to process it. Thanks for stopping by in my moment of reflection and catharsis. Until next time, cheers my Wonderful Listeners. I really do appreciate you guys.
How are you guys doing? Did you enjoy the post? I’d love to know. Have anything you’d like to say? Leave your thoughts below.