Hey there Wonderful Listeners.
Something relatively simple has been on my mind for the past few hours and I can’t seem to get it out of my head. My hope is that by coming to you, my lovely audience, and venting that it might go away. If nothing else, maybe you can suggest a way for me to deal with it.
Anyway, it’s about family. Family is one of those topics that I can be a bit hesitant about. That’s not because I am ashamed of my family or that I don’t love them; quite the opposite in fact. It’s because I started thinking earlier about how different my life, my personality, just everything would be if my family were a little different.
What I’m getting at is more about something my family doesn’t do that I wish maybe we did. I’m talking about group activities. When I say this, I don’t mean interacting with my family. No. I do that all the time. But I can’t really recall the last time we all just came together to be together and do something together, just because. More so in an attempt to bond and become closer; that’s not something my family really does.
I don’t know why we are this way. It might be because of my upbringing. If you read one of my older posts about my past, you’d know that my parents were often busy when I was a kid. They never failed to do the right things but they hardly had time to do the “wanted” things. It’s kinda complicated.
Thinking about it, my dad was always busy and my mom worked long hours too. Often times, we would have time by the end of the night but my parents would be so tired that we wouldn’t get much time together before they fell asleep. And my relationship with my sisters was very shaky then—nothing compared to what it is now. So, it kinda played out where we didn’t have the opportunity to really do things together as a family.
I guess it never helped that we all had problems we were dealing with and as kids we were rebellious against our parents a little bit. The situation just didn’t cultivate itself for successful, fun, family interactions. Of course, we still found time to laugh, smile, play, and all that sappy stuff. Just because we didn’t do anything together as one family doesn’t mean we weren’t happy.
But thinking about it, I wish things different, if only a little. Now, in my 20 year old body and mind, I’m longing for family togetherness. It’s still kind of at a point where we don’t do anything together as a family.
My big sister has moved out and is raising her son as a single mom; she’s also been at arm’s length with my parents because of disagreements. My little sister is rebelling against my parents (typical); she’s concerned with finding out her friends and who she is (which I can respect) and has given up on trying to have my parents understand her. My parents, well I don’t really know what’s going on with them for they seem to be just with each other (if you catch me.)
And me, well, I’m just— *sigh* I don’t know where I fit in in my family at this point. I always feel awkward around my parents (more so my father) but I get by. I think differently than my family and I’m often set to the side (by my own doing.) It just never feels right to be in the middle of it all. And frankly, I’m tired of being in the middle of all the drama and being forced to take sides when I’d rather be ignored.
Still, I do have my sisters. We have somehow formed a sibling bond that threatens the integrity of our parents. By this I mean that it’s us versus them. We don’t mean for it to be this way but that’s kinda of has happened.
And the problem goes back and forth between me absolutely loving my family and then me wishing them away. Most of the time though, it’s love. I dunno. I’m sure I’m rambling by now. Not sure if this all makes sense because I’m just venting to you guys.
It’s a lot of underlying turmoil that is sorting itself out enough for us to remain a cohesive family. I don’t think we’ll ever really give up on each other but we get close sometimes. And I’d rather just have a nice, easy time with family. But that’s a bit of wishful thinking at this point I guess.
Anyway, I was trying to say what I wanted but got sidetracked. I meant to talk about family activities. We don’t do those. I’m sure it has a lot do with our past. My dad was raised in a family where his father was strict and distant and he had issues with his mother. My mom, she was raised by her mother as her dad removed himself form the picture and her mom was both evil and lovely. (I guess since she had to be both a mother but also a strict father-like figure, that made her that way. I dunno.)
That gets passed onto my parents’ parenting style. It created distance (I think) between the kids and them but not enough to make us hate them. It’s rather tragic really.
OK. I’m sorry. I continue to get sidetracked. Just putting it out there before I go off on a tangent again, I wish we did more family activities. But how do you introduce this idea into a family that never ever really did something like that? How do you sell this idea to a family that doesn’t know how to do something like that or enjoy something like that? I don’t know.
I think it would come down to a matter of convincing everyone to just be calm with one another and letting go of past transgressions. (Pfff. I’m not holding my breath.) Then it would come down to figuring out how to get everyone one board with one single thing and making sure they would enjoy it. That is a true challenge. I’m not so sure if I could make it happen. I am only one person.
Plus, now that I think about it, I still haven’t fully dealt with all of my issues with my dad. There’s still much work that I need to do personally. History tends to repeat itself and I am probably just as distant from my father as my father is with his. It’s just saddening. And it only hurts me to think about it.
I have no idea what the future holds for my family. But I do believe in this: I will work as hard as I can to prevent this from happening with my own family. I will work hard to make sure my family can do the things I wish I had gotten as a kid. I will work hard to give them the world and support my family the best I can.
I don’t want my kids to be distant from me. I want them to be able to come to me or their mother and talk about anything. I don’t want to have unnecessary drama and I want to keep it fun. I want to give them a better family to grow up in that I grew up in.
That’s my current dream as far as family goes. Perhaps I shouldn’t give up on changing my family but the soul only stays strong for so long. And I can’t force them to do something they don’t wanna do. The best thing I can do is just be there with them, and not give up on them. That’s all I can do.
My heart is still pretty heavy. I’m not sure if I got it all out but I think I got some of it into words that can be understood. They’re not just feelings anymore. I’ve materialized them into something tangible.
OK. I think that will do it for now. Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate it. Umm, why not leave me some words of encouragement in the comments below? I could really use them.
But until next time, as always, cheers guys. Cheers…
How is your family relationship? Do you plan on doing things different from your parents? Leave all your thoughts below.