You know, I just need a moment to be real with you guys. Can I do that? Will you let me do that? Either way, I’m gonna do it anyway because I just need to get this feeling off of my chest.
Let me tell you that the Pineapple has been having the blues lately. No, I’m not sad (sorta) but I’m just super-duper stressed. STRESSED!! My hair has already vacated my scalp at this point! No grays, just straight to bald.
But, how do I go about handling all this stress? Hmm. Well, I try not to cry myself into a puddle of saltwater. That’s the first thing. Trust me, it’s a talent that I’ve been working on. Promise! But then, I try not over think everything; in the process, I do it anyway! 🙂 Yay brainpower! NO! CURSE YOU!!! 😡
And in the middle of having these conversations with myself, hyperventilating, budgeting money that I don’t have, taking care of responsibilities, surpassing my colleagues, and clutching what little tranquility I do have, I have to find time to be a fully functioning adult! Oh! It gets better!
So, I try not to have a mental breakdown but then it comes anyway and plops itself on my doorstep. Rudely enough, it doesn’t even ring or knock, it just opens the door (who gave it a key???) and comes in. Then I push it out of my space in waves; it goes away then comes back. I keep smiling through it all! 🙂 JUST KEEP SMILING!!! 🙂
Yes, I look so strong on the outside. I’m stronger than steel! But on the inside… No. Inside my shell, which doesn’t even do a good job of protecting me, I’m shaking. I’m crippling and I’m barely a stable human being.
What I really want to do is just CRY. I want to weep my eyes out and scream and collapse into a heap, to just die. No need for me to go on living if this is what the rest of the road is like. I just want to be hollow so I won’t feel anything. I just don’t want to deal with anything. I just don’t…wanna.
But I don’t do any of this. I keep the strong facade up. I keep walking forward, stepping on every shard of glass, bleeding from every pore, with a smile. 🙂 Because nice people don’t have time to look weak when they’re supposed to be helping others feel better. Nice people are invincible.
That’s what I thought. But I know better. No one is exempt from the pain that life brings. Whether nice or not, whether put-together or not, no one can escape it.
And somewhere in the sea of chaos, I am clutching onto just one thing that is mine and mine alone. I’m strangling it in hopes of not dying (sorry, my grip is stronger than I thought.)
What is it though? It’s this. Yes, this thing. This thing that has words and images and thoughts and people and places and spaces and so many other things. It’s like therapy for me. I can vent my frustration and anxiety and despair and so much more to the world. And somewhere, in some corner of the globe, probably living a better life than me, someone is listening.
So my blog, this thing is therapy. Blogging is my therapy. And all I needed was a good session with my sweet-and-prickly therapist. He doesn’t say much but he knows just how to make things alright. 🙂
So for you, Pineapple, you deserve some much needed dedication. I can give that to you! If you like that is… Of course you do! 🙂 Thank you! I’m not sure if I’ve thanked you enough. Truly, thank you.
But my solace is seldom long-term. No. I must wake up and continue to face the world when I’m down and beaten. I must continue to thrive and live. But just for once, could I live a life that I didn’t have to despise? Just once?
But this is all happening in my head. You can’t hear these thoughts. No one can see them; no one can see what’s happening to me inside. Don’t worry. I’m stilling smiling on the outside. 🙂 Because, that’s what I do. I just keep smiling. Even if it means I’m lying to the world. 🙂
I keep smiling because there are others who have given up. There are others who are gone and will not return. So this painful smile that I’m smiling, as much as it hurts, at least someone, somewhere, it being healed by it.
Now only one question remains: Who will smile for me?