Good evening Wonderful Listeners.
I had a conversation with my mother recently about what I was like as a child. Lately I’ve been interested in trying to understand myself and my place in life a bit better. It’s become important to me to be honest with myself and spend time with myself to get to know myself. So I’ve been doing a lot of that recently.
What exactly brought on this sudden interest? Well, it spawned from watching two TEDxTalks in particular; however, the drive came from a deeper place. With the realization of the change in my being recently, I couldn’t help but wonder something: If I could notice how I’ve changed in the course of a year and how it’s affected my life, then why can’t I take note of who I am outside of these recent changes?
So there then began a journey of wholly dedicated self-examination. I’m currently still figuring things out, one at a time admittedly, but progress is progress. I take what I can, note it down and reinforce it in life; I’m always checking myself to confirm if how I feel is a truthful and genuine feeling of my own.
I can’t help but accept how I feel as truth. After all, most feelings are uncensored as long as they remain in your body, where no one but you can touch them and observe them carefully. So I spend a lot of time in my own head, reflecting on my own thoughts, both the conscious and subconscious ones. I’m eager and motivated and inspired to start learning now who I am, what I want, and what I should be doing.
But let me shy away from that heaping idea for a moment; let me talk about what my mother said to me, the first TEDxTalk, and how I’ve changed recently (a summary of course.)
If you’ve read one of my recent posts, you’ll know that I have noticed a huge change in my persona. I have not tried to change it or reject it but I’ve accepted this change, as a positive for my own life. I have matured very quickly to say the least and in this maturity, I have felt the urge to stop loitering and wasting my own time. I realize that life is full of experiences waiting to be experienced, so why am I wasting time on one particular experience when I could get most of the grunt work out of the way now?
(Please let me interject; I know that I am young and should not be aware of who I am because I have only just started living. But according to this TEDxTalk I’m going to refer to, I have always been who I was and just needed to both realize it and embrace it.)
So that’s what I’m starting to do. The first particular TEDxTalk I’m referring to, called The Art of Being Yourself, is linked below. Please, I implore you to watch it. I suggest that you don’t continue reading until you’ve finished watching it.
I found this speech at 3:30 in the morning, when I was supposed to be asleep. And it hit me so deeply that I couldn’t get it out of my mind and I couldn’t fall asleep. So I stayed up thinking about it.
Now I haven’t found the exact answer to the questions she asks, but I have begun to collect evidence about what I will need to answer them. One particular quote that is staying with me is:
The two places in life where you are awesome at being yourself, you’re fantastic at being yourself, one of them is when you’re a kid. When you’re a kid you’re fantastic at being yourself because you don’t know how to disguise your different-ness […] The other place you’re fantastic at being yourself is when you’re wrinkly, because you can’t be arsed. You get to that stage in your life where you realize that there are more such behind you than there are in front of you, and everything intensifies. You become more honest. You become less compromising.
I couldn’t stop thinking about this quote. Every child seems to have a clear personality once they have the ability to make words. They have yet to really learn the ways of the society and its expectations and so they can’t help but to be themselves because that’s all they know.
Well, I’m not wrinkly yet. So the only place I could reference was my childhood. So I did. I went to my mother and sat down with her and asked: what was I like as a kid? She hesitated for a moment and then proceeded to give me this laundry list. Now, I know she was biased because she was my mother, however, she would be the best to know what I was like because she’s the one who paid the most attention to me.
She said many things that I would expect any mother to say about their children that they love: I’m blessed; I’m lucky; I wouldn’t trade you, etc. But what I pulled out from her words were the things which she said with little to no feeling—the traits which she had to be objective instead of subjective with.
She proceeded to tell me a few things as such:
- I was challenging. I made people stop and think. That was the first thing out of her mouth. She said that I was smart enough to write up a contract and negotiate with her, as a 4 year old, how I would eat my vegetables. I’m not sure how much of that is true but she repeated over and over again, how challenging of a person I was, both to her and to those around me.
- I was (over)confident. I was sure of my abilities and what I could and couldn’t do. I had no problem doing proudly the things I felt good at. However, sometimes I would be too proud and came off as pretentious (but I believe I’ve learned that lesson at this point.)
- I tried to be friends with everyone. I was eager to spread my joy of connecting with others. I wanted to be important to other people around me and be depended upon. I wanted to be, well, their friend. Of course, I realized that I couldn’t be friends with everyone.
- I had strong (academic) work ethic. While I was not necessarily a bookworm, I truly believed in my studies. I didn’t want to settle for average so I worked to be better than average. This was true even outside of school (and I should thank my parents for instilling that in me.)
- I was smart. She couldn’t deny how intelligent I was. I could figure out things that others couldn’t and get answers quicker than most. Although, I admit to being a know-it-all but I’ve quelled that side of me so that I’m just a well of knowledge.
- I was a sweetheart. For lack of better words, I was just a super nice guy. I was considerate of others and genuinely nice. I was respectful. All of those good things.
- I was occasionally vicious. When she told me this, I wasn’t surprised. I remember being a bit snarky and mean but only when I felt like I had to be. If being nice and happy wasn’t going to get me where I needed, then I would fight my way their, unapologetically.
So after hearing these 7 traits, I got to thinking about myself. I thought, firstly, about myself as a child. I thought I was a handful and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what other people thought too. Then after I let the information settle, I started thinking about what might have changed from those past traits?
My answer was inconclusive, because I don’t feel that much has changed according to those traits. I still feel this way (even though I don’t openly admit it to everyone.) I still feel like I am all of those things and like I always will be. That’s the part of me that is true to who I am; it’s uncontaminated so to speak.
After gaining this knowledge, I held on to it. I spent some time with it. Then I started thinking about other things, like what I am supposed to do with my life. Then I ran into another TEDxTalk, How To Know Your Life Purpose In 5 Minutes. This too is linked below. Again, please view it before continuing on.
After viewing this speech, I truly sat with myself to understand what my life purpose could be. I came up with countless statements according to his step-by-step, 8 to be precise. But then I questioned myself, asking if I could really do that everyday, if I could really be happy focusing most of my life doing that. By the time I finished, I had 2 statements and they are as follows:
- I make art for myself to give myself freedom so that I can fully express myself as a human being.
- I counsel the confused and emotionally burdened to give them assurance so that they can make better life decisions.
Truly, it was this simple. And then I waited. I sat in my bed at 5:45 in the morning, asking myself over and over again if these statements were true. And I felt that they were. I didn’t need to question them any longer because I felt like I had spoken with myself, without any lies and inhibitions. I found my purposes.
And how I went about checking whether they were true or not was to reflect on my life. I looked back on what I had always been doing. I’ve always been a writer and drawer and dancer and singer; I’ve always been an artist. I’ve always been a helper and advisor for those who had it hard; I’ve always been counseling since I can remember.
I knew very well that I could combine the two purposes into one but I chose not to. I felt more fulfilled knowing that there’s a purpose for myself alone and then one for the world. In this way, I could live out both fully, without sacrificing one for the other. Currently I’m fulfilling the first purpose.
In retrospect, these purposes of mine line up quite synonymously with my persona. It makes logical sense, at this point, that I would have (at least) these traits. How else could I be fit to help those and express myself and ideas? The two pieces fit nicely together to create something better, something greater.
Now, the only question that remains: how would I manifest those purposes? Well, that’s for me to decide. I know what I have to do. Now I need to figure out how to do it. Of course, I’m in no rush for the how at the moment but I do require that it make me happy most of the time. It was the what that was concerning.
I could go on an on but I believe that I’ve hit the nail on the head. I won’t overkill it. I do believe that there’s more for me to learn about myself but I am at least glad I got the foundational purposes out of the way. I know a bit about myself which is good too. So I take my spoils for the day, with a smile.
I do hope you managed to pull something useful out of this entry. It is my hope that my words would help you figure out something about yourself. If not, maybe time will tell you if my words are true or not. Maybe time will tell me too.
Well, I’m done. Thank you all for reading. Until next time, cheers!
Do you think I’m too young to know my life’s purpose? What did you think of the speeches? Do you know your life purpose, or have an idea about it? If so, tell me in the comments! What’s your opinion about my proclaimed purpose? Leave all your thoughts below!