*The following post is full of raw emotions. Strong language will be used. Discretion is advised.*
This cannot wait. I must tell you all this right now. I finally told my parents that I was bisexual. Holy shit. What did I do?
Well, thankfully, it turned out to be only in my worst nightmares that bad things would happen. Luckily for me, none of them occurred. I am only left with the initial thoughts I had on those rather fateful days.
Today is January 10th.
I told Mom that I was bisexual today. Fuck me man, I was scared shitless. But you know what? I did it. I had the balls, the courage even, to finally tell her how I felt. I finally had the courage to stop lying to her about who I felt I am.
You know, surprisingly, she was rather calm about it all. Before telling her, I had dreamed the worst. Endless numbers of questions and scenarios went through my brain:
- What do I do if she rejects me?
- How do I connect to my family if she doesn’t want me around anymore?
- What will I do on my own without her help?
- Do I think I can support myself without my parents’ help?
- How will this affect my sisters and my nephew?
- How do I move forward with life if I’m suddenly without a family?
I was so scared. I had thought about everything that could go wrong. But somehow, it didn’t. I suppose a mother’s love really does surpass all boundaries.
Ah, perhaps I should explain this situation. I’ll start by saying this: I have been so scared to confront myself as a person for years. There are many things about myself which I had accepted and learned to love; however, my sexuality was not one of them.
Growing up, I had a very difficult time with my feelings about attraction towards others. I’ve always like girls and had been picky about them. But I had those feelings for guys too, but I never wanted to admit them. I never ever wanted to accept them. I was hoping that they would go away some day if I just believed hard enough. But they never did…
Exactly why these feelings came into my life when they did, and how, I may never know. But that’s not important for me anymore. What matters now, after years of contemplating, and resenting this aspect of myself, and looking for ways to invalidate its existence, I just finally came to terms with it. I was bisexual and it seems like nothing is going to change that.
But, fear had me held down for many years. I was afraid to tell anyone, especially my mother. She had always made a point to express her distaste for non-cisgendered individuals (i.e. gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered people, etc.) This weighed on me so heavily for many years.
It was strange really. This open relationship which I had with my mother suddenly seemed to disfigure itself overnight. Suddenly, I couldn’t be completely honest with her (or anyone really) anymore. Suddenly, I had something to hide. I was ashamed for feelings this way.
When she would come to me and ask me how I felt and who I liked, I would say either girls or no one at all. I wouldn’t tell her how I really felt. Why? Because I was deathly petrified to lose her love. I was hopelessly frightened to have her ever say, “I’m so disappointed in you for being this way”, or suggesting that her love for me was no more.
I couldn’t handle that. Not as a teenager, and not as an adult. But somehow, someway, her love for me, her only son, prevailed.
But now, as a 21-year-old adult, I finally found the courage to just say it to her. I am bisexual. Probably one of the hardest things to ever leave my lips. But it took a lot of soul-searching. It took thought. But you know what? I came to this funny realization.
I thought to myself about telling her so many times but I always chickened out, saying to myself that there’s always next time. Well, I finally told myself, “If that’s true, when will you say it? When will next time finally arrive? When will there ever be the perfect time to tell her? When will you get fed up with lying to her and hiding yourself from her? When…”
So, I finally did it. I swallowed all of my courage that I had, and I told her. And I expected outbursts, tears, sighs of disappointment, a murderous silence. Yet, I experienced none of that. I only got… well, allow me to tell you what happened after I told her. Tell you what her reaction was.
She looked at me. She said, “OK.” Then silence. I told her that this was not some sudden realization. I told her that I had been thinking about this for a long time. I told her that my only reason for not saying it was because I was scared to lose her. She looked at me and said, “You’re my son. I will always love you. Sure, I may not agree, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
She then proceeded to ask me a lot of questions. She asked how I arrived at this conclusion. I told her everything. Then she asked me why I took so long to tell her. I said that I was afraid she would view me how she views homosexuals (and other non-straight peoples.) She apologized to me, for ever making me feel that way. She said she never intended to scare me into hiding who I was from her because of her beliefs. But I told her that it made a lasting impression, and then I accepted her apology.
And then we talked. For an hour. We sat there and discussed this part of who I was. She said she might need some time to adjust. And she ended it by saying this, “I wish you had told me the first time, when I asked you about how you felt. You wouldn’t have had to go through that.”
She was right. If I did have the courage, as young teenager, to just tell her the honest truth, perhaps I wouldn’t have suffered all these years tormenting myself over it. Perhaps, if I had done many things differently, I wouldn’t have suffered. But I still am grateful for it, because it gave me the time and the hardship to build up the courage to be honest about who I was.
I mean, I really opened up. I told her how I felt about her views. I told her about how I felt as a person. I told her how I’ve already anticipated how parts of my life will be difficult. I told her that my views on life are much different from hers. And I think she knew some of these things but definitely not all of them. But I did it. And thankfully, she listened earnestly. And still, she has love for me, her son…
She sweetly hugged me after our conversation. I just made her promise one thing— to not say anything about it to Dad. I wanted to be the one to tell him, just like I told her. I was scared most to tell my mother, but somehow, I went to her first anyway… Perhaps, our close relationship made me realize that it would be easiest to get her situated but the hardest to tell her.
As of right now, all I know is that I finally told her how I felt. I finally feel free to be myself around her. I feel free to by myself with more people. Her invisible weight is lifted off of my shoulders. And while she fears for the life ahead of me, she still supports me.
Thank you God for giving me the strength to tell her. And thank you for giving her the heart to accept it.
And now, I feel like I can do anything. If I can tell her, whom I feared telling most, I can tell anyone. I don’t have to hide anymore. Of course, that’s just one obstacle taken care of. Life still has many trials ahead of me but somehow… I think that I’ll be able to take them head on.
There is one part of me that knows that she’s got hopes that I will choose a female. I know she’s hoping that I’ll give her grandkids. I know she’s hoping that if I see a professional that maybe I’ll realize that maybe I was just wrong. But, at least she’s willing to take it from here one day at a time. And that’s all I can ask for at this point.
Then of course, I had to talk to my Dad and tell him. While I didn’t know what he was going to say, I wasn’t as scared to tell him. Still, I had to draw upon that well of courage in order to get nerve to initiate the conversation, and of course, say those words.
Today is January 12th. I told Dad too finally. I wasn’t as scared to tell him, like I was Mom but I still did it. In fact, I waited as his door for about 2 whole minutes, just deciding whether or not to say anything at all. Then a voice somewhere inside of me said, “Just do it.”
Then, I told him those words, “Dad, I’m bisexual.” His immediate response was, “Yeah. I knew that already.” And immediately, I responded with, “Eh. I figured you might’ve but I wanted to just say it to you.”
He ended up telling me that it didn’t matter what I liked. I was still his son at the end of the day, and I had my own life to live. He just said, “Do you Chico. Don’t let nobody try to change who you are. You are your own person.” Uh… That just made me shed a tear of joy inside.
Now, much like Mom, he expressed that he was disappointed because he wanted me to end up with a girl. But I rebuttled immediately, implying that I can like both equally and that when it comes down to it, I can make my own choice of who I want to be with.
On one hand, I understand that my Dad is somewhat ignorant about what being bisexual means, and what life is like. I get that. But, that was my chance to explain what it meant to me— I am attracted to both genders.
What got me was his story of his relationship with queer people. I learned after talking with him more about myself and more about his views.
What I didn’t know was that I had admitted to him before, when I was about 10-years-old, that I liked boys. I have no recollection of this but I apparently told him then and all he said to me at that time was “be careful. Just be careful.” Even more interesting was learning that I admitted to him that I liked Spencer (one of my best friends, who I am still attracted to today.) I suppose, maybe that’s where it all started…
Then I found out that his brother Rod, my uncle, was gay. He told me that the reason he wasn’t here today was because he got HIV and eventually AIDS, because he wasn’t careful. That saddened me but I understood why my Dad just kept telling me to be careful. I’m assuming he doesn’t want me to end up like his own brother did.
I also found out that another one of my uncles, uncle Clarence who is my mother’s brother, is also bisexual. He has never told me or my Dad this (and probably not anyone), and my Dad only told me because of what he’s learned after knowing him for so long. He just knows. But, regardless, it opened up my eyes a little.
Learning about all of this all at once was quite touching. Only after 21 years did I find out that other people I cherish in my family were also queer, and that I admitted to being queer even before knowing what queer was. It just, well, it was a lot to take in. Because for so long, I could only think that my feelings of attraction towards others, was evil. That’s all I continued to believe and so, I denied myself opportunities for a very long time.
And I say this with a very open heart, God, I wish I had just told the truth so long ago, instead of telling my parents what they wanted to hear. How free I could’ve been… But I wasn’t ready at that time. That’s why I did it now. And now that it’s done, thank the heavens above I have grown past being ashamed of who I am.
But getting back to Dad, he showed me his love for me. He proved, rather bluntly, that I still had his support no matter what. One thing he did manage to ask was, “Why did you decide to tell me now?” I told him that I had already told Mom and didn’t want to leave without telling him too. And I also needed to build up the courage to finally say it to both of them too.
What we proceeded to talk about next was… oh, I guess nice. Dad told me that he had many gay friends in life, that he loved and protected regardless. What this proved to me was that my Dad could get over someone’s sexual preference, and that love was more powerful than belief.
I think, even though I still have a long way to go before Dad and I are more interactive with each other, at least this is a first step. I feel now, especially after hearing him say it, that I can talk more openly with him. I can talk to him about anything I want. I just have to go do it. And Dad knows that he’s got a ways to go before he opens himself up more as a person (because he, much like me, is a guarded person.) But, time will tell…
And at least I have this much: he’s going to listen to me if I just go talk to him. We can talk about anything and Mom doesn’t have to know. It can be our little thing, whatever it may be. And for now, that’s a big enough change for me to be grateful for. The rest can come in time, and I’m patient enough to wait…
And it’s done! The truth is out to the two people in the entire world that I was afraid of knowing most. And from here on out, I think it only gets easier. Fuck it. Who cares if someone else rejects me for being me? At least my family has my back. 🙂 #blessed
And what seems to stick out to me the most is that, it seems that I was the one who made this a big deal in the first place. No one else was up in arms about it, just me. Heh. But I suppose I blame a lack of real courage in life for letting it go this far, and maybe a fear of a torturous hell awaiting my death. But hey… I did it finally.
I think, as of now, I can get started living my life more fully. There’s no reason for me to hide who I am anymore. Sure, maybe some things can remain secret, but the things that matter the most, nah. I’ll give them their due spotlight.
Wow… It’s so weird. I feel like a huge weight is gone and yet, absolutely nothing has changed. Mom and Dad still love me and are still the same people they always have been. I’m a little different, perhaps more free, but I suppose I’m still just as quiet and spontaneous as I’ve always been.
Man, it’s just like I’ve heard from others. Once you accept your sexuality and you overcome the fear of what others think about it (or if your loved ones accept you), your sexuality becomes the least impactful, impressive, and important thing about who you are.
Gosh… The day has finally come and, it feels a little bit underwhelming. I thought maybe it would be and feel more magical but it’s just as regular as everyday life is. Heh. Talk about blowing things out of proportion. Your mind only makes things more intense than they really are!
Ah… But, I’m glad that I can finally say, without a quivering heart, that…
I am bisexual. I have the unique ability to be attracted to and love both men and women intimately. And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.
So, as it stands now, I think I want to leave on these following thoughts:
When you accept who you are, you feel empowered and free. Your flaws become beautiful. Your loved ones love you more deeply and you weed out those who don’t really matter in your life. And sure, the world may be up against you for just being you, but that’s one struggle every human faces. So the sooner you do it, the better. The sooner you can finally feel what it’s like to love yourself.
And in doing this, I, am finally, one big step closer, to loving myself wholly. In doing this, I’m one big step closer to fully living. In doing this, I have set myself free. Many years I’ve waited to spread my wings and fly, now I finally can…