I’m somewhat embarrassed to come and admit this to you all but I’m going to do it anyway. I have a problem with crushing on people, and in particular, guys…
Now, where did this all come from? Well, perhaps I should start with an example before diving in. So, I’m taking a class on documentary photography this semester right? And in that class, their are only like 16 people.
However, out of those 16 people, there are two people who caught my attention for their attractiveness. One is named Chris and the other, Daemond.
I’ll start with Chris. He’s a handsome guy (shit, who am I kidding, he’s fooiiiiiiiine!) I mean, this isn’t the first time I’ve looked at a guy and thought this. But, I’m only now getting the courage to talk about these things so he’s being made the example of.
Anyway, I caught a glimpse of him when I came into the classroom the first time. But I had to do a double-take. Yep. And I tried to do it slyly. He’s a decently tall White guy (or perhaps mixed. He seems like he could be Caucasian and like Hispanic.) He’s got this nice little tan that just bronzes him ever so slightly. He’s got a decent body. I mean, he’s fit, which is always nice.
But what absolutely got me, was his face. I’m a sucker for faces and his is one that you couldn’t help but stare at (well, I couldn’t anyway…) He’s got this dark brown hair that he styles to his right but it has this intense volume. And his beard, oh, it’s so groomed! I mean, it’s a great beard and he takes good care of it. But, the eyes… *swoon* They’re this like really light brown, almost hazel-y color, but in certain light they turn greenish.
Needless to say, I’ve been looking at him a lot since I started that class. What I found, after being in here for 2 weeks, was that he’s also a really nice person. I mean, he seems a genuine sweetheart. Oh, and he’s got this nice “average” pitched voice, I mean it’s not too high or low, but it has this very very slight rumble undertone. And so listening to him talk, can kind of be a joy.
He’s got my attention enough that I’ve actually considered approaching him. But I’m waaaayyyyyy too scared to do it. The thing is, as fine as he is, I can’t judge from a distance if he would even be interested in me or not. I don’t know his sexual preference. I’d have to ask him to know… That also makes trying to talk to him awkward, because he’s not easily identifiable as queer. (Although, I have my suspicions…)
Now, there’s the other one… Daemond. It’s so funny talking about him. See, he sits right next to me in class, but I didn’t really think he was attractive for me personally, at first… Then, I saw him outside of class walking to another class. From a distance, where I could study him a bit… I found that he’s really attractive.
Oh! Did I mention he was Black? Yeah. That’s why this was such a throw for me, because I’ve never been really attracted to Black men, well not until now… I mean, have I recognized that there are some attractive Black men in the world? Absolutely. However, this is the first time that I’ve considered, or had the feeling, to pursue another Black man.
I don’t know what it really is. Perhaps it’s his curly and short black hair, or maybe it’s his face… I think it’s probably his face. Honestly, his face is like a petri dish teeming with things to keep your eyes on. In particular, he’s got these rather innocent or maybe gentle eyes that you can feel comfort from looking into. He’s also got this nice little goatee, and he’s light-skinned.
It’s strange. Because, I mean, he’s a very plain kind of guy from what I can tell. He seems smart enough, but he does remind me a lot of myself in a way. He’s kind of quiet but attentive. He like to be casual, but he’s totally willing to engage in conversations. I can’t say much else outside of that. I only know so much.
I don’t think I would ever consider pursuing Daemond though. Something about him just screams no to my kind of lifestyle, if you catch my drift. But he’s still a gorgeous man.
Heh. I kind of feel like Aladdin talking about all of these feelings. *blushes*
Anyway… all of this is just to say that, I’m in a strange period in life. For once, it’s OK within myself to be interested in other men. Those repressive urges are gone. However, now, that just leaves me what I’ve always seemed to have—cold feet.
When will I work up the courage to go and ask someone out? When will I have the courage to tell someone that I really like them? Oh, I dunno… Perhaps when I just can’t hold it back anymore? Or maybe when it’s a once in a lifetime moment? Who knows. The point is… these feelings are here, and they feel nice.
Of course, God only knows when another girl is gonna come along that I start to crush on. I mean, Chelsea is still around but… it feels like we’re just really close friends at this moment in our lives. Maybe if I had said something sooner, I would’ve had a chance? Why didn’t I? Oh right… She wasn’t interested in relationships. She wanted to be single (and still does.)
Well, getting back to the topic. Who knows where these feelings will go? Maybe they’ll just die and fade away. Maybe not. I dunno. I could keep you all updated on the story. Sorry, this is just so weird for me to come and announce my infatuation publicly. But there’s a first time for everything!
OK. I think I’m done with this. I hope that wasn’t too awkward for you all as it somewhat was for me. 😛 I’ll catch you later. Cheers!
Do you remember any specific crushes you’ve had? How did you/ have you ever work(ed) up the courage to pursue someone? To those who are queer like me, how do you navigate these situations? Leave all your thoughts below!