Hey Wonderful Listeners…
Can I be honest with you all for a second? I mean, really honest. I’ve run into so many people who I’ve begun to like in ways of infatuation, and it’s kind of killing me on the inside. I mean, it makes me not even want to love sometimes…
Ah. OK. Let me back up. First, I should start by saying that I’ve noticed that I caught feelings for some of my closest friends (who, as far as I know, don’t feel that way about me.) I don’t know where these feelings erupted from but I don’t have the patience for them anymore.
Granted, all of the people I’ve caught feelings for seem to be nice people, that I either know really well already or who just seem nice. Chris, was definitely infatuation which went nowhere. But I learned a great deal from that ordeal so it’s fine. He’s still an attractive man but he’s not mine to have…
But for my friends… ugh! I don’t want this! I mean, I do but I don’t. I would like to keep the fantasies I’ve dreamed about alive somewhere inside of me, that perhaps maybe, suddenly, they will catch feelings for me too. Alas, I’m not stupid. Half of them don’t even swing this way…
But let me just run through these characters for a second, shall I?
A current roommate. I had no intention of catching feels for him. Granted, I didn’t think that way about him when I met him but I was also a different person who hadn’t accepted that part of my life. Now having accepted that it’s not only OK to have feelings towards both genders, but to pursue them as well, has opened a lot of doors and cans of worms.
But I suppose the reason I caught feelings for him in the first place is because we’ve had the chance to be intimate with each other. We’ve shared some personal stuff with each other and have spent a bit of quality time together. I mean, I suppose I like the idea of him but not actually him. He’s just a lovable guy with some fluff around the edges. But I crave intimacy regardless. Hell, it’s better than sex most times in my mind.
Is it too much to say that I’ve fantasized about being that way with him? Us being lovers in a non-existence parallel universe? I feel like I could love somebody like that, and shoot, it could be him. But it won’t be him and never will. He’s straight and I’m not. There’s no point in telling him and I don’t want to make it awkward. Plus, he’s got a lot of growing up to do…
Why, oh why, did I have to catch feelings for you? Granted, as great of friends as we are, that’s what makes this so much harder for me. I’ve already admitted that I somehow began to like you in this way, but you shot me down. Thank you, because I needed to hear that.
It took me out of my fantasies for a well-needed moment. If only you knew, how many times I’ve laid with you and kissed your lips in my mind. If only you knew, how many times I’ve cried into your chest, and cuddled with you, in my mind… If only. But those feelings must die.
Regardless of how sexy your scruff beard is, that fact that you’re my height, and that you are not the most fit person, I still like you. And it doesn’t help that I know you’re a freak in the bed. That turns me on even more… But these feelings must die.
Granted, I may always feel this way about you know. Especially knowing that you’re just as queer as I am buddy, in fact, in the same bisexual boat. Ah, but I’m not your type now am I? So how could it ever work? Only in my optimistic mind which falls asleep with me at night. And I wish I could stop waking up feeling so elated from a dream where you were mine, because that’s only making this harder for me to stop.
*sigh* Well, maybe I will always be slightly in love with you like this. But god, I wish I wasn’t anymore… Because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and you will NEVER LOVE ME in the same way. EVER.
Another roommate. Well, yeah. I’ve known that I’ve liked you for a while and I’ve learned to come to grips with it. I’m well aware you don’t swing this way and never will. But that doesn’t mean that the intimacy which we’ve had together doesn’t affect me deeply.
Not only are you attractive (in a scrawny way), but you’re such a sweet person. No matter how evil you’ve been in the past, you’re so regretful of ever being that way. You want to be a good person so desperately, and you are. That makes you even more attractive to me.
Plus, you’ve been feeding my desires. When you passively agree to cuddle with me even though we’re not a thing, you only make me love you more. I suppose I do that to myself, but in those moments, I could cry because it’s everything I want from a partner. You feed that desire for me.
And let’s not mention that we’re actually really similar people. You like clean, and I do. You’re on top of your shit, and I am too. You’re a realist, and I am too. We both like to dress nice and play video games. We both want someone to love us so badly. Well, shit. You’re not making this any easier. It’s just torture for me…
And, ugh, I’m so thankful I don’t dream of you anymore. I knew even back then that it would go nowhere. But those dreams resurface when you get close to me. When we stay up late talking and lounging in a comfortable bed together, it only hurts me more. It only hurts more deeply. I’m not saying I’m not grateful for your being so intimate with me, but I am saying that it only hurts my love-stricken heart.
Oh, I never ever thought this would happen. But I suppose history does repeat itself now doesn’t it? I liked you as a kid, and apparently, I like you now as an adult. But we’ve been best friends since the 6th grade, how could this happen?
It’s strange. I have no memories of feeling a “love” for you so to speak as a kid. But they were there according to confessions made to my dad. But now, after you being away for years and seeing your face again, and learning so much about you in your being gone, fuck.
You are a gorgeous man. You’ve grown into your own being. Your scruffy beard, and somehow, your physique. I don’t get it. I shouldn’t have feelings for you. But I do. And I wish these ones would go away too.
In an instant, somehow, in seeing you after 4 long years, the feelings came surging through me. You’re still a crazy bastard, but, maybe that’s why I like you? Because you’re so honestly yourself. You don’t try to be anyone/anything else.
And learning that you were gay, just swallowed me deeper into the whirlpool of emotions. It’s not an issue that you’re gay, but that just makes it seem easier for me to be an option. I don’t need to be an option. I just need to be your friend. That’s all. But the heart will feel what it feels, won’t it?
Maybe in a small fantasy, I made you mine. Maybe it happened, but that was in a fantasy and not reality. No matter how much I may like you, I don’t think I could ever pursue you in that way. I just… don’t see that happening, no matter how much I may want to try for it. I just don’t see it happening…
And all of these emotions are tearing at my heart, each and every day. I’m so desperate to want to share my love with someone who loves me just as much back. I’m such a lover of love and infatuated with the idea of love that it’s pathetic!
I’m not desperate enough to just go and pick up anyone in any old way. Hell no. But, I’m also getting impatient for the first time in forever. I’ve been patient for 21 years, and now, all of the waiting is starting to get to me. Love is just a child’s dream to me right now—an idea void of reality.
But my mind knows better. It knows to wait. It knows that the right person will come along and if I do the right things, then things will fall into place. I just have to be patient and live life until then. I just have to accept, that no matter how much I want to be in love and be loved in return, that I’m not at that chapter in my life yet.
Regardless of the past, my first real relationship has not descended yet. It simply hasn’t. And you, Mr. Lewis, need to calm down. You’re flustered with emotions that you can’t think straight. You’re falling for friends left and right and you know nothing will come of it. You must do better.
Ah. But that’s right. You don’t even know what sex is really like. To really make love instead of fucking. You don’t know. You never will until you do it in real life, not in some fantasy dream. And that kills you. You don’t want to wait, but you don’t want to disregard your personal beliefs. You’d like to take it slow, but your hormones/emotions keep pushing you jump the gun.
But you know better, don’t you? You won’t do it. You’ll continue on, with a smile on your face like everything’s OK and like nothing’s bothering you. You will. And guess what? No one really needs to know. Because no one can do anything about these feelings except you. You have to stop loving these people. You have to become patient again with love. You have to. Or it will kill you…
Excuse me for being so blunt with my feelings. But I could not contain them any longer. I couldn’t. These thoughts were eating me alive. And granted, it feels nice to just finally say what I’ve been wanting to say (although in a rant but nonetheless.) I can’t believe how pathetic I sound, but it’s my truth.
I, for whatever reasons, am falling for these people and I shouldn’t be. But, leave it to a Cancer, one of the most loving and intimate signs, to be tormented by intimacy. Fuck me sideways. Oh well… that’s just my life now isn’t it?
Well, I’ve gotten all of the gunk out. My only hope is that these feelings will die soon. Because I just don’t know if I can keep living like this, tormented by a false hope, every day. I cannot be in love with my friends. I can’t!
…but I am.
*Excuse me while I go cry in a corner*
Have you ever fallen for a friend? Do you have any advice for me? If so, please share so I can’t stop drowning. Leave all your thoughts below… or don’t. I was pretty revealing in this post so I understand the radio silence if there’s any…