A Heart Unfulfilled, Dying, Living

3:58am. I can’t get to sleep no matter how much I toss and turn in bed. I just want to fall asleep, but my mind is reeling. I just want to turn it off. I just want this pain to go away.

What pain? The pain that’s been plaguing me ever since I got back to San Antonio. It’s been nagging at me and I’ve just about reached my breaking point. I’ve been trying to cover it up with my actions, my excuses; all to no avail.

I’m a failure. I feel so lost and like such a disappointment. I feel amputated from certain parts of myself. I’m so lonely. I’m so conflicted. I want to cry. I have a blanket covering my head right now.

I feel like I’m just becoming less than I wanted to be. But you know what set all of this in motion? Fear. Oh, and let’s not forget self-doubt.

I haven’t found a job yet. I need to find one. I have one I can go back to but I’m not sure if I want to go back. I’ve just been so… unfulfilled. School was filling some holes in my life while I was there. But now… it’s all just, seemingly so pointless.

(Forgive me. I know I sound like a whining child. I am one at the moment. I have poor excuses to feel how I do. I realize that. I still feel this way though. No need to pity me. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m just venting.)

*sigh* Mya, my little sister, she got into trouble with my mom. She’s been depressed, sitting in her dark room, in her closest ever since yesterday evening. It’s been depressing to be around. I’m worried about her. I don’t want her to do something stupid. But I don’t think she would.

What am I doing with my life..? It’s been exactly a month since I graduated (well, a month and two days) and I moved back home. When I did that, I transplanted a part of my life from one place to another. But I had no idea the effect it would have on me.

I’ve been reluctant to study for my written exam for my learner’s permit. I’m not motivated to learn or study or take this test. I’ve been reluctant to go back to work. I think I took too much enjoyment from being out of work for so long. But now I think I want to go back.

I’m tired of sitting in the house all day. My sister’s friends are fun and all but… it’s just not the same as it was in my college town. Up there, I was my own person. I had friends around all the time. I had a home I loved coming back to at the end of the day. I had a support system. I had miniscule worries. I had purpose.

I don’t feel like I have purpose anymore. I’m done with schooling, perhaps for the rest of my life (although, I’m considering graduate school.) I should be focused on figuring out what I want from life. I should be focused on learning to be a fully function adult. I should be doing a lot of things…

Instead, I’m sitting in my bed, somber, typing out my feelings on the internet. How pathetic. It’s so sad, because I should be doing better. I should be better. But I’m not right now. I’m just… nothing. That bothers me. A lot.

*sigh* I think I started this post just to vent. But I still feel awful. Maybe I want to cry. Crying is OK. But the tears aren’t quite coming out. I dunno. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think it’s everything all at once.

I feel so much pressure on my shoulders right now. I need a job. I need to start saving up money. I need to invest in a car. I need to get back out on my own. I need to be financially responsible. I need to be an adult. I need better health habits (because I’ve been slacking.) I need some purpose in life again.

You know, recently someone asked me what my dream was. I gave them the answer I always give people: “I want to be a fine artist, and to make art. That’s it.” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’ve never really had a dream/goal. I’ve always just kind of gone with the flow of the wind.

I’ve had many interests (and still do) from my childhood. I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to be a photographer. I wanted to be a poet. Then a dancer. Then it was a caretaker for a slight moment. I just keep flip-flopping all over the place.

I’m irritated that I don’t know WHAT the hell I want from my f*cking life. I know. I know. I’m only 21. Who else knew exactly what they wanted from life at the age (much less how to achieve it?) But my brain seems to keep torturing me with those standards.

I’m not like my friends. They’ve all seemed to have something in their soul that they couldn’t escape. A fire, a drive, something… that kept them going and that they never lost sight of.

Paul wanted to be a chef. He loves cooking. But then he changed his mind once he saw where such a career goes. So he went with his 2nd biggest passion: singing. Well, now he’s mastering opera. He loves it. He loves being there in it. But singing has always been with him, and it has helped carry him through the rough times.

Kyle wanted to be an actor. But he too changed his mind. Instead, he chose to go with nursing. He wants so badly to be a nurse. I’m rooting for him. It’s his drive that keeps him going, even when he wants to give up. (Plus, he also has his friends to help uplift him when need be.)

Seems like everyone has something. But I don’t. I don’t have a real goal. I just have some things in life that I like to do and I’m not sure what to do with them. I’m just not. I love taking photos. I love writing when I’m in the mood. I love helping other people. I like dancing, singing, etc. There’s a lot of things I like, but do I know exactly where I’m trying to go? Nope.

Heh. It’s funny. I’m so lost, so there’s nowhere to go but up from here. Yet, I’m so scared to even take the first real step. It’s scary because, now, I’m an adult. Now, there’s not really anyone to take hits for me or cover my ass. There’s not really anyone to be accountable, except for me.

I’m supposed to grow up. But I don’t want to right now. Yet, I do. I don’t know what I want. I just want to stop feeling like shit. I don’t want to sit in the house. I don’t want to not be earning so income. I don’t want pressures to be doing anything, or to be asked any questions. I don’t want to be stressed. I don’t want to be torturing myself. I don’t want any of it.

I just want some peace of mind. But I don’t want to feel empty inside. I want to feel joy, sadness, anger, all of the emotions. But I don’t want to feel them in droll, boring waves. Oh, I feel sad today but it’s nothing to really take note of. Oh? I feel happy? OK. No big deal. Oh? I’m angry now? Why? Is it a stupid reason? Then get over it.

None of this is making sense is it? I’m just rambling. I’m just so hopeful that if I just run away that all my problems will disappear. But they don’t. They won’t. They’re just waiting for me to come back. Why can’t I look them in the eye and say f*ck off? Why? Why am I so scared of living?

It might be because of this house. My parents… oh. My family. Is there anything that gives me real joy nowadays? Mom and Dad don’t. Mya, well I love her obviously, but, things are just turbulent at home. Not good for the brain or heart is it?

I feel it every time I come downstairs. I feel the disappointment in their eyes. You should be doing better in life right now. Why are you being so lazy? Well, I just finished 4 straight years of college without a break. Can I take off for at least a month of my life?! Jeez…

Heh. But this past month was no vacation. Yes, I haven’t worked but I’ve been too worried and stressed about not trying to function as an adult to relax. And now, sad to say, I just want to hide in my bed and pull the sheets over my head. I don’t want to come out. I just want to be left alone.

But I don’t. I want my friends back. I want my college life back. I want the crazy nights, the stupid 3am conversations, the trash-talking, the wild and spontaneous adventures. I want my independence, I think. But I don’t feel like working for it right now.

*sigh* Wow. This is sad. I’m just a sad, hollow, unfulfilled person right now. No goals, hardly a dream, no vision for the future. I feel as lost as Anthony. Somehow, losing my need to be in school left me an empty shell. Anthony, I understand how you feel now. Truly…

Estranged from a lot of things and you feel so alone yet like you’re going nowhere. You’re just living a mindless, pointless existence. It’s tiring just thinking about it. I think I get it now man. I’m sorry for speaking out of line (because I really didn’t know exactly what I was talking about.)

*sigh* I suppose I just need to do something. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to just be doing nothing. The student loan bills will come for me in 5 months. I need to be ready for them. Mom and Dad won’t allow me to twiddle my thumbs much longer. I can’t take having no purpose anymore. I need something to fill my life. Something…

Help… I need somebody. Maybe a friend. I need somebody to just help me move again. A month is a long time to be stagnant. And I’m at my limit.

What happened to the has-his-life-together version of me? I don’t know where he went because he’s not here anymore. It just all seems like so much… Like, how am I supposed to do anything?

It’s aggravating just how weak I truly am. A weak person with a weak spirit. I just crumble to dust. If only I could be a cloud just drifting along in the wind… but I can’t. That’s not my life. Instead, I’m here. And if I don’t make the most of what I have with where I’m at, the future isn’t looking too bright for me…

(I’m sorry to trouble you with all of…this. Just, please… I…. I can’t even find the words. I’m sorry.)

Maybe I’ll fall asleep now. 4:42am. I really hope I can fall asleep now. But what’s still crazy to me… is that I’ll wake up and keep pretending like everything is OK. I’m dying behind this mask. I’m dying… and I can’t do it anymore.

I’m just…dying.

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